Ever since I first started posting on youtube, I’ve had this weird anxious feeling. A feeling that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s not like most “anxious” feelings but that’s the category I’d put it in. It’s almost a mash up of pressure and worry mixed into one. But in a weird way. It’s something I’ve never been able to decipher, but what I do know is that it’s not good.
And more often than not, it has me questioning whether this is the career path that I’m supposed to be going down.
If it's what I was meant to do with my time.
If all of this is a lie.
If maybe I don’t really enjoy it that much because the pressure just isn't worth it.
(but I’ll come back to that in a second)
It’s this feeling of feeling pressured to create epic videos.
Ones that help others, that entertain others, and that don’t waste someone else's time.
And yet… I’m not necessarily creating for anyone else… as much as my mission in life is to help people, there are so many other ways I could do that. Doing it through youtube, is for ME, ultimately. Creating videos is my moving therapy. It’s my passion. I love it with all my heart. I’m creating because it’s fun and enjoyable and I like merging that passion with helping others grow. And I'd be doing it whether there were no view counts or comment section (honestly the number of times I've thought about disabling them is wild).
And on top of that, it's about being a good person in a wildly deceptive world. I stick to my ethics; I youtube/blog about veganism, zero waste living, and self care. And a piece of my ethics is that I never want to fabricate my life for the sake of "views." Some days will be exiting, others will be less. I'm human. I promised myself that I will never do anything for the sake of a video. I want my channel to be an honest representation of my life and myself. I don't hide anything. Like at all... the minute I have a feeling there's a video about "what's been going on" or an instagram caption/story explaining what I'm experiencing. (Sure there's the odd thing that doesn't matter but all the big stuff... it's out there for me to look back and cringe at. I just like being honest with the world tbh.) And I sure as hell won't do anything that I wouldn't have done if the camera wasn't around. I'm not about fabricating my life for the sake of making others feel better and/or worse about their own lives but if they feel that way from sharing my honest life (and believe me, I've shared my fair share of struggles on the internet), then that's GREAT! Because we're all human, we're all here, living, and BEing. As much as it’s lovely to help others, you have to do what feels right for you and hopefully the two merge.
And then it’s also this feeling of worrying that others won’t understand what I've said or why I've said it.
Or that I've mis-stated a fact/statistic. Feeling terrified that I didn't put in the effort and explain myself well or that someone will judge or take something out of context.
Everyone will be interpreting the video… or rather, my life… from their own lens. They see my videos through their own interpretation of reality and their own view of me… which is often a reflection of themselves/their thoughts.
And yet, I REALLY TRULY don’t care what others think of me in real life. I’m the kind of person who will walk through a bar in a dinosaur costume (true story) just because I feel like it. Or stay home three weeks in a row (only leaving for groceries... unless a friend needs a hug, then I'm there!), despite others calling me names like “party pooper” and “really weird” (also true story), because I just do what I want to do.
I’m saying all of this because feeling worried about what others do or think of you is LUDICROUS.
It’s their life.
It’s their version of reality.
Honestly, as selfish as it sounds... your life experience is only as good as you make it... or rather, as good as you interpret it. YOUR own life--- while you spend it with others and get/give help to others (and we're so lucky to be surrounded by incredible, wonderful, and magical humans in our lives. I definitely don't want to take away from how incredible people are!), ultimately, your life is experienced via you and only you. No one else. So why worry about what other's interpretations of reality are?
And back to the “is this for me?” and “I shouldn’t be doing this with my life” thoughts.
This is a fear trap that so many of us get caught up in (more about fear in my previous newsletter issue HERE).
We doubt our being. We doubt what we aspire to from a place of fear. Especially those in the creative field. (Or anyone in a creative situation, really. Inclined to try a new outfit that's different from what you're used to wearing, perhaps?) And life has no room for fear! So get rid of that pesky friend! Fear is not your friend! Stick to what you know you love. You have the power to create anything you want with your life! Life is only as complicated as you make it too.
Now back to others interpreting your work…
What others think of you, in no way, changes the way you see you, ultimately.
The thing that’s weird about the internet, is that’s multiplied by thousands…. millions depending on your post. And that has been scary for me.
I’ve had to do a lot of looking inward with this. Why don’t I care about judgement in person, and yet on the internet, it’s FRIGHTENING? So much so, that my first feeling in the morning is this weird sticky fear-fueled "axiety-ish" feeling. I wake up and my first thought is regretting something I failed to mention in the video I posted the previous night. Or I feel terrible for forgetting to mention my intention in the video, to lay the ground straight. And it's the weirdest feeling in the world. I suppose it's anxiety but it feels different. It feels like it is it's entirely own "breed" of feeling.
And this happens more days than not. It’s not a good way to wake up in the morning.
But the thing is, none of this has to do with ME. It has to do with others. And my over-caring for their own life's experiences (which I suppose, at heart, is not a bad thing. But when it begins to reflect on the way I see myself... it is).
So what if I forgot to mention something... that’s life. I’d hope that the people I surround myself with (which includes the amazing people I share my corner of the internet with! My little online community and family 💛), I’d hope that they’re smart enough and compassionate enough to realize I might have had intentions behind a phrase or I might have forgotten to explain things.
Because I’m human.
Just like them. Just like their IRL friends and fam. And I’m trying.
I guess what I’m meaning to say through all of this is…
Well, i’m not really sure TBH.
But I guess…
1. Who gives a shit about what others think. Ultimately, you’re just being and doing YOU. You’re just BEING. No one is forced to be around you if they don't like you.
2. Ultimately, we all want to help other people, we’re trying the best we can. But in order to truly help, we have to stay true to ourselves.
3. We’re all human
4. When you're sure of yourself, you care less about what others might think about it. The key is to become so knowledgeable about yourself and your beliefs, that you become sure of yourself. There's still the odd thing I'm unsure about, I suppose.
5. Some of my videos will be exciting. Some won’t. My ethics are rooted in honesty and I will never do or fabricate my life to be something it’s not. That's life as any type of creator, to be honest. Not every one of Leonardo da Vinci's paintings were the Mona Lisa. (Also, if this resonates with you, give the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert a read!)
6. Stay true to yourself. Get rooted in it. Stress isn’t healthy. And it sure isn’t going to get you anywhere.
7. ily for reading this far.
You're an epic human. ROCK ON and BE HERE NOW.
-- Christie x
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." ---Dale Carnegie
"Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think." ---Dale Carnegie
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